I recently ended a 3 month long relationship with the boy I fell in love with. This quite possibly may have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. However, I think it was the best possible solution considering the circumstances.
Anthony and I met on September 28, 2008, at a party for one of my co-workers. I didn't talk to Anthony much that night because he was completely trashed, and I didn't think that anything would ever come of he and I. But I did notice him, and he did notice me. That night ended up being extremely crazy for me, as well.That was Friday.
On Monday, October 1, 2008, Jamie invited me over to her house to finish the keg she had left from the party. She told me she talked me up to Anthony and that I should come by and have some fun. I didn't think it could hurt, and I really thought Anthony was cute. So I went.
Anthony and I got along great that night, and I was really excited. We started talking more the next day via text, of course. And that continued on all day long. The next day, Jamie invited me over again, so at this point, I didn't even have to think about it as long as he was going to be there.
That night, he came home with me. We kissed, and we cuddled, and we did nothing else except talk. It was a perfect night. And it was that night that we started dating, October 2, 2008.
I liked Anthony very much, and I knew he felt the same about me. It was fantastic. I had finally found someone that looked promising. However, I noticed a small problem. Anthony always...changed...when he left me and went back home. I didn't know why. I thought it may have had something to do with me, but I found out that it was because he hated his living situation. He was originally from a place called Land-o-Lakes, which is right outside of Tampa. But he had moved down here 5 months ago because he needed to get out of there.
He moved in with his Aunt in West Boca and her 3 children. Apparently the situation was one of negativity. He and his aunt didn't get along well at all, and its tough living with 3 younger children when you're 18 years old. I didn't like how it made him feel and act, so I offered for him to stay at my place as much as he'd like. And he did just that.
Little by little, he brought things over until we just decided he should move in. This was only a week into our relationship. Fast, yes, and I blame only myself for that. I offered. My decision. And things probably would have turned out differently if I hadn't made that decision, both positive and negative.
Anthony and I continued to live together month after month, and it was fantastic. I thought that I would get annoyed or sick of him like I usually do, but it was the exact opposite. I loved having someone to come home to, someone to cuddle with every night and talk to and fall asleep next to. But of course, that feeling only lasts so long. That's when the trouble started.
Anthony went through a lot of ups and downs while he was with me. His car needed the transmission fixed, which was going to cost $1000 and he didn't have that type of money to fix it, but he needed his car to get back and forth between work and home. So, I offered to have it fixed and put it on my credit card. Two days after it was fixed, it broke down and wouldn't start again. The company didn't care to do anything about it. So he was stuck. I didn't have money to get it fixed again, and neither did he. So, we relied on my car to get us both to and from work, with both of us getting rides whenever possible. It was extremely tough. But we did it.
The next thing that took place was when Anthony went into work one day. He hadn't been feeling very well, and when he got to work, he had an epileptic attack. Anthony is epileptic, but he doesn't have seizures like others. He gets dizzy, has migranes and sensitivity to light, and then passes out. That is exactly what happened at his job. And the other employee thought it was unfair, so she told her district manager, who then told her Human Resources dept who told her to fire him.
Anthony's manager loved him, and she hated that this was happening because of how unfair the situation was. They told him he should have called another assitant manager to come in so he could go home. The problem is, when you pass out, you can't control that. So, his manager, being the caring woman she is, suggested that he quit and give his two weeks instead of her firing him. That way, he could still work for any other Jones Apparel Group company somewhere else. And that's exactly what he did.
Anthony stopped making payments on his car since he wasn't even using it, and he had to get it repossessed. This would be a mark on his credit for 5 years, and he will not be able to put anything in his name until that point. But he had no other options.
Now it was Christmas time. He was trying to find another job, with no luck, and he was planning on getting a bike so he could get to and from work, hoping that it would be nearby. But his last day of work was Dec 23, and he was going back to Tampa for Christmas that same day and would be returing the 27. The night before he left, we got into an arguement. I was getting frustrated and concerned because Anthony and I had become one person it seemed. Wherever I went, he went. And there was a complete lack of space and privacy existing between the two of us. I was still my own person, but I was completely losing that person because Anthony was relying on me for everything, or so I felt. I felt he was making me his entire world, and finding his only happiness in me. And yet, he still wasn't very happy.
I suggested that we start spending more time to ourselves, me with my group of friends alone and he with his...space. He didn't have any friends down here. And he agreed to that with no problem, and so it felt like our problem had been solved. But it hadn't.
When Anthony was away in Tampa, I enjoyed the free time I had to myself, the bed to myself, everything felt like it used to again. Even though I missed him very much, I was feeling my heart tell me that everything had moved way too quickly. Moving in together after just a week. A serious relationship. These are things I never experienced, things I never had, and it was all too much too quick. I needed to find a better solution rather than just spending time apart. But this was extremely difficult.
You see, when Anthony decided to move in with me, that was rent money that his aunt was losing, and I believe it was a very badly ended situation between the two of them. In a sense, Anthony had burned that bridge between the two of them, so he had no place to live but with me. But I needed my space.
Instead of confronting the real issue at hand, I decided to try to think of another solution, one that wouldn't hurt anybody. I decided to move out of my own apartment and into the room in Margrit's house that she was willingly offering me. I couldn't let him move there, because he doesn't know her well like I do. I just wanted him to be happy, and I wanted things to work out between us, and I thought this was the only way.
I was wrong. After I had suggested it, he was happy with that, as long as I was ok with moving out. And I talked to Margrit, and she was thrilled. But those feelings I had didn't last long, either.
When he got back home, one thing led to another. He knew something was wrong with me. He knew I was unhappy, that I had changed so much from the person he'd fallen in love with. And it's true. I had. Everything that I had given, sacrificed out of love had drained me completely. My job was suffering, my friendships were suffering, my health was deteriorating, my sleep pattern was off. And so before I knew it, I was breaking up with him.
I have never cried so much or hurt so bad for someone as I did that day. I broke his heart completely, and I kicked a dog while he was down, but I know I had to do it. Eventually, after talking it out with loved ones, I started feeling better.
I went home and packed a bag and said goodbye to him and stayed at my brother's. Later that night, when I was getting ready to fall asleep, my roomate called me hysterical. She had smoked pot with Anthony, but he went back to the room and had taken something else and was freaking her out. He was incoherent and she didn't know what to do. I immediately went home with Christina and Margrit beside me. When I walked into my room, he was sitting up on the bed, dripping with sweat, eyes shockingly wide. He was stumbling around, babbling incoherently. Pale. It was horrifying. Immediately, we called the paramedics. We didn't know what he had taken, and neither did he.
The cops got there first, and they scared him. The look on his face broke my heart in ways I never thought possible. It shattered into so many pieces, and each piece made sure to prick at my sides, making it hard to breathe.
The paramedics showed up next, and that's when he started having a seizure. Finally they stabalized him and put him in the truck to the hospital. I was completely drained at this point. I didn't think I could handle anything else.
When we were packing up a suitcase for him to bring to the hospital, Christina found a note wrapped around his wallet, in a fed ex envelope inside the pocket in his suitcase. It was a suicide note to me. I couldn't believe that it was possible for me to not be able to even stand. I didn't know that it was impossible for my heart to physically ache because of this, but it did. It was as if all the blood and oxygen to my heart had been cut off. I knew my hard would never fully be the same again.
I rushed to the hospital with Christina to give them the suicide note. Everything is a blur from that point. I can't even think anymore. It's too hard, too painful.
He was moved to a mental illness facility. He asked to see me yesterday, and I was so happy. He is in a better position now, he wants to live, he knows people love and care for him now. And that is great.
He's going back to Tampa. But I'm going to visit him every other weekend. I'm going to be there for him every step of the way. And when the time is right, we will be together again. I know it. I feel it. He is the one I love, and will always love. And I am his, too.

It's been like....2 months since I posted something. And everytime I come back, I forget how much I love and miss my LJ when I'm gone. Anyways. The only news I have to report is that
1) I have a new boy named Anthony, and he is the love of my life. We live together and I'm in an actual relationship and I have never been happier.
2) My birthday is in one month and I'll be 24, ew.
3) I'm going to Bush Gardens for my birthday!
4) Panic at the Disco and Dashboard Confessional is rapidly approaching!
and
5) Conor Oberst is in less than a month!!!






that's my baby <3

Ok...I know I have been a VERY bad LJ poster. I'm sorry. But this entry is post-worthy.

Um...the new song "Try" by Straylight Run....what? I'm NOT liking the direction that are heading in. A decent song, yes, but FAR less superior to what I've become accustomed to hearing from them.

And, is she out of the band or not? I really hope not, but if she is, I need her to get on releasing some of her solo stuff asap.

And can we talk about how amazing my boyfriend is? Yeah, well, he is just that. Pretty amazing. :)

This is what I've been doing in Chicago








There's nothing else to do because nobody is here with me and I'm feeling very sad.

What is my life meant to be?


I couldn't tell you. And...I don't know if I really want to know yet. I wanna find out as I go along.


I'm spinning in circles. I'm laying still. I'm here. I'm there. I'm nowhere. Never to be found.


I want everything in my life to disappear. I want to stand alone in the darkness until I can't take it anymore. I want to need something. I want to need nothing.


I just want to understand. And live. And travel. And sing. And paint. And create art with my mind.


I want to capture emotions that can't be seen on film. I want to feel...anything.


I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to smile. I want to frown. I want to do something important. I want the things I do to mean something. I want to do something I mean. I want the ordinary things to be important.


I want love. I want a boy to call my own. I want to be dependent on someone else. I want to never feel love. I want to be alone. I want independence.


To sum it up, I want everything and nothing all at once.

First of all, watch this Straylight Run video for one of my favorite songs in history.






Next, I believe that John Nolan of Straylight Run and Matt Dallas of Kyle XY look very similar.







Agree?

We masquerade around our entire lives, playing so many roles that in all the time spent changing into our next personality, we lose our sense of identity. We never act the same around any two people. Towards our mothers, we most often act loving and innocent, because she nutured our lives. Around our father, we tend to act tough, stern and serious. We are apprehensive to show our emotions to our fathers.
Around our siblings, we seem more free to do anything we want and we often show love, but just as often show annoyance. Its somewhat of an unwritten rule. Towards our friends, we seem more laidback and uninhibited, showing a completely different personality off then the one we share with family, and we are definitely more influential, as well as influenced, around friends. As we enter the school/work field, our attitudes are seen as more respectful and timid, aiming to please the higher authorities. I just don't understand how we are supposed to be able to identify ourselves when we are completely different people around every person in our lives.
How are we supposed to truly know who we are, ever? I think sometimes that this is the reason I notice the sadness behind peoples eyes. Its as if they are crying out inside their minds to me, yearning for their thoughts and emotions to be set free so that this burden will be released from within. But instead, they just smile faintly, the weakest smile they can muster, and walk on by, living another day of silence. I feel their pain so bad sometimes that I just long to embrace them, and I want them to burst into tears in my arms, letting their guard down, and just feeling something for a moment, even if it is simply sadness.
Then they will at least know they are alive, and that they don't have to hide from who they are. Their tears washing away all their imperfections and fears, being left naked and vulnerable to the world. Even though we will get hurt, it is inevitable, no matter how hard we try and ward it off, being happy for even just a few days and then feeling utter loss of control and sorrow, is at least a chance to feel. Its better than to be cold and alone, living with regrets and in fear of rejection, sorrow, and lonliness forever. That's what happens in the end anyways.
My heart breaks even more when I see it in children. Especially when I see it in their eyes. Those big, beautiful eyes that display no emotion, no feeling at all. Or even worse, those eyes that are constantly glazed over with past tears that seemingly continue to be held back. For a moment, I wish only to hold them in my arms forever, assuring them that everything will be ok.
But I can't promise that. And it tears me up inside, because I despise feeling helpless. Sometimes I fear I care too much. But even worse, sometimes I fear that I am these people.

There is just no absolute way that Christmas is just 5 short days away. This cannot be. I have not even started wrapping any of my presents, and I'm still waiting for 3 to come in the mail! I know that my threadless orders were shipped yesterday, so they should be here by Monday. However, the TWLOHA shirt for Audrey will not be here until after Christmas, but she leaves for New Hampshire on Saturday, anyways. I just am flabbergasted, yes, I use the word rarely to emphasize meaning, that Christmas is so close.
And if Christmas is so close, that means Sarah's birthday is close, which means our trip to Chicago is close! We'll be leaving in 8 days for the windy city in which I'm going to freeze my cute buns off! But I'm so incredibly excited!! I'm hoping I'll get a lot of winter clothes, like coats and scarves and sweaters and such, for Christmas, since that is the main thing I asked for. I need them because right now, I've got two heavy coats, and a couple of sweaters and long sleeved shirts and hats, but I need tons more so I can layer like crazy! Shoot, I need to get rain boots, too! And regular boots! That's what I'll be looking for when we go shopping the day after Christmas!
Kelly got married last Saturday. Her dress was beautiful, which is often not the case. The wedding location was beautiful, too. It was held at a place called The Bucaneer, which I was skeptical of because of the name, but it turned out to be a very nice place. It was held outdoors, and was supposed to rain, so we were all nervous, especially Kelly. But the weather was nice and breezy and sunny all day, so it was great. They got married right on the intracoastal inbetween two palm trees. It was really nice, and she looked beautiful, and a lot of amazing pictures were taken. Not to mention some excessive drinking by all, which was fun because I didn't get drunk!
Anyways, it's 6:45am, and I need to go straighten my hair before leaving for work!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'm more excited for Black Friday, though!

I'll be posting my Christmas list before the days end.

I'm extremely excited for Friday!

College group was good last night. Although I felt like everyone completely misunderstood what I was saying about us being born sinful and selfish. I felt like they thought I was having a therapy session for myself when I was just trying to answer Michelle's question as to why we don't ever see that God is in control, even when we know it.

Shopping, sleeping, Brand New/Mewithoutyou!!

Happy Thanksgiving, ladies and gents.